Hard to Breathe

By Kell Hugs on Wed, 02-22-12, 06:43

Posted in Group:

Grief

Hello everyone! I am new to online support and really need support! I hope I can be a support to others, as well. I have so much pain from grief that sometimes I feel like my heart hurts physically when I breathe. I don't have any problems with my heart medically, but the emotional pain is so great! It has been 10 years since my father died suddenly of a heart attack at 45 years old. I had a very special connection with him as I was always the sort of outcast of the family. My parents had an awful divorce and when my father died his family forced my brother, sister and I to follow all of their orders and we didn't get to give him the goodbye we wanted. We were teens and distraught. In the end, they stole all of his possessions. I don't care about the material things, but the pictures mean the world to me.
Since I have been very ill the pain feels more intense. I feel so selfish that I want him here to help me! He always made me feel safe! I have been struggling with a rare digestive disorder for 8 years now and have lost everything! I was supposed to have a surgery to try to repair my colon on January 25th. I had exhausted every other option. Twelve hours before the surgery I received a call from the surgeon telling me that my insurance declined to pay for my surgery. I had put so much hope into this surgery that I thought it was the answer to all my prayers. I thought I was going to get well and get my life back! I became so ill my doctor pulled me out of my work, which meant the world to me. My work made me feel so alive and happy. I worked so much that it sort of became who I was. I am appealing the insurance company's decision, but I don't know if my heart can handle if they say no! When I was told I couldn't have the surgery my mom and I had a breakdown. She cries all the time and says she can't see me suffer anymore. I have lost all of my "so called" friends because I am in the hospital so much and they don't want to be there for me. It kills me to see the pain my mother is facing especially because she has always been a rock. I hate that this illness is now causing her to break. I know if my dad was here she would have him to go through this with her! I have often felt like everything I love has been taken from me and want to die, but I can't do that to my mom and sister.
Sorry this is so long! I feel like I have lost my identity! I can't find that strong woman I once was. I feel like my life is over and everything I love and care about has been taken away. I have been treated so awful by the medical field that I am not important enough for them to help. My dignity has been so abused! I lose a piece of me every day. I lost my boyfriend a year and a half ago to an accident and lost my best friend 6 months ago to cancer. I am sorry I am all over the place, but I can't even think straight anymore. I am so broken that I don't know if I can ever heal! Thank you to anyone who reads and responds. God Bless!
Kell

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By SickofPsoriasis on Wed, 02-22-12, 09:40

Kell, I am so sorry for your many losses and disappointments. My very first though is HANG IN THERE! Don't give up! Don't lose another moment concerning yourself with the people you thought were your friends! If they were truly friends, they would be by your side right now. You know that! You sound like a very smart girl who is just overwhelmed and justfully so! Your life is not over, it is simply changing. Change is not always for the better but it will almost certainly make you stronger. Remember that God will not bring you to what he will not see you through. Have faith, faith in God, faith in yourself, faith in your bodys ability to heal, faith in your heart's ability to function, even through devastating loss, faith in your mother's love and devotion, faith in your ability to overcome!! Know that what you are experiencing right now is temporary. You will either recover from your illness or find a way to live with it. Those are your only choices. Simplify your life.....don't try to solve all the problems at once. Break them down, one at a time. Choose one thing that you can ABSOLUTELY do today, like contact the insurance company....don't let them forget you, ignore you or put you on the back burner. BE IN THEIR FACE until they make a final decision. Something else you could do today is write your mom a thank you card or letter. Let her know how much her love and support mean to you. Give her permission to take a break from her worry. Tell her to go shopping, out to eat, for a walk in the park....anything....just give her permission to take a break. Even if she chooses not to do it It will make both of you feel better! Give yourself a defined period of time to feel sorry for yourself and then move on! There is absolutely nothing productive about feeling put upon. Everyone has loss, everyone has health issues and concerns, everyone has disappointment, everyone has anxiety....in short, everyone has something and it is up to the individual how they deal with their something(s). Don't misunderstand me, I am sympathetic to your losses, your pain and discomfort and your feelings of guilt and remorse but the only thing productive to come from any of those is your action! Take a position with your insurance company and do not back down, if work makes you happy, then find work that you are able to do until you are ready to resume your career! Volunteer if you have to but get busy! Get up EVERY day, shower and dress whether you have anywhere to go or not! You will be 100% more productive, even if only on the phone! Above all...Remember that you matter and you are important! You will overcome all of this in time. You are strong, you are beautiful, you are smart, you are resourceful, you are determined, you are DETERMINED, YOU ARE DETERMINED!

Continue to reach out for help! Do not let your thoughts convince you that you are alone! Feel free to contact me at any time! KimberleySwartz@yahoo.com.
Hang in there!!

Many Blessings,
Kim

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By stillme on Wed, 02-22-12, 09:42

Hi Kell.. the first thing i want to say is.. my heart goes out to you! *hugs* and know you are NOT alone! Have you seen a counselor? They can truly help with all that you are feeling right now and I know most churches provide free counseling.. some community centers do too.

Im glad you have found this site, a place to vent to people who understand your inner turmoil... we are all here for you!!!

I pray you find peace within...

Dont give up before the miracle happens!

Tawnye

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By Countrygirl on Tue, 02-28-12, 19:23

Sending hugs to you

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By lostandso alone on Tue, 02-28-12, 21:24

HUGS TO YOU

I laugh, I love, I hope, I try, I hurt, I need, I fear, I cry. And I know you do the same things too, So we're really not that different, me and you.” -Colin Raye

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