Never ending

I lost my Fiance 12 years ago in a car accident. I remember the day My family came and told me. I did not believe it or even put my hands around it. It took me several months of conversations with my family, and my best freinds. To this day i still tear up over it. But there was nothing I could do. You need to realize that you did everything you possibly could do. Its not your fault what had happend. You shouldnt blame yourself for doing what you new best and trying your hardest to save her. Y ou were in the right for eveything you did.
I spend evryday thinking about Terry. I will love him and hope he comes home, but reaqlity is he wont. I finally picked up the pieces and made him my memory and started a new future and focus with out him. What will your new focus be?

Thank you so much for sharing that. Belive me I know all too well the empty feeling that now occupys a good part of my time. I am convinced that there were things I could of done. You see, the night before she fell out of the bed passed out. I gave her CPR then as well and she started breathing. I monitored her the rest of the night. In the morning we spoke briefly about going to the doctor and finding a soloution and in the mean time stop the medication. She told me that this was a wake up call. The next night she took all the medication again (unknown to me)even though the doctors appointment was the next day. She went into the living room because she was having difficulty sleeping. I found her slumpedd over at 3AM (no idea why I woke up) Her body was still warm but the color was already changed. I tried to save her but I failed. Yes I loved her with all my heart like you did Terry. Not sure what I can do so I thought that maybe being able to talk to someone might help. Thank you so much for your ear

I understand how you are feeling and what you are going through. I have lost two husbands to cancer and both times felt just as you do now. I still hear my first husbands voice in my head every morning saying"good morning dear" and for as long as i live i will never be able to erase the feeling of my second husband taking his last breath in my arms. BUT... life does go on.. with or without us. We have family and friends that love and care about us. We have jobs and bills to pay. We have responsibilities and commitments to others in our lives regardless of how we are feeling. I do not believe either of my husbands are "watching over me" or that i will some day see them again. They are gone, gone forever. The thing that has helped me move on and continue to try and put something back together that resembles a life is this...

I loved them. Loved them with all of my being and I know they loved me. Most people never get to experience real unconditional love.. and I was blessed with it twice. My life is better, I am a better person for having known and loved them. The old saying "its better to have loved and lost then to never have loved at all", well, its true.

Try to focus not on yourself and what you are missing, but the blessing of ever having her in your life at all... remember her smile, the way she laughed, the way she looked cooking dinner or whatever great memories you have of being with her. Yes, it hurts. Yes, you are going to miss her horribly, yes yes yes you are going to remember that horrible day... but, you have a choice. You can choose to hang onto that one painful memory or, you can choose to feel it when it comes but then let it go and move on to wonderful times with her....

I am not saying its easy by any means.. but its important that you know you have a choice in what memories you make important...

My heart goes out to you and I pray for peace within you...

And remember to take care of you!!!!

Your thoughts have touched me in many ways and I can not thank you enough. I know we don't know each other however we do share something in common and I thank you so much for the courage to exchange your feelinging and thoughts. I have scheduled a meeting with a counsulor as well to help me get through this. Have you ever reached a point where you actually had forgotton when was the last time you laughed or were afraid to laugh knowing that something else whould happen that negated any joy?. If you prefer not to answer those question I would totally understand. My mind has been so scrambled the last 5 months I am not even sure what is real or not. A long time ago (Before Stacy) I had a very bad addiction to meth in that I sacrificed everything for my next fix. I have to admit that thoughts have been going through my mind. Thank you again for your very caring help. Just having another human who understands is indeed an angel

Oh yes my friend... i was in that place where i was afraid of most anything good for fear of it hurting.. and lived there for a long time after my first husband passed. Its a horrible feeling to always be waiting for the shoe to fall. I could not find real joy in anything or anyone around me., I found it next to impossible to enjoy anything in my life. What helped me get to the other side of that abyss was learning to understand what was happening. Being able to recognize when i would shut down or push people away because of that fear.

Seems you and i have much in common (I'm a bit sad to say) as i am a recovering alcoholic/addict myself. I did not think I would make it through their deaths clean... because, being an addict - I KNEW how to make the pain go away, even if it were for a little while. But, I also KNEW that it would not be for just a little while. For me to use again would mean death myself. I dont believe I have it in me to quit again... I would not stop. Besides... I could not imagine choosing to go back to that life... no matter how much I was hurting. The truth be told, I was an addict because I could not take emotional pain. It was a way for me to run and hide from it, numb it. Why would I trade one pain for another? That, and, I have family and friends that it would hurt... my kids had just lost their father, I could not be selfish enough to take their mother away too. You are in recovery and know how it works... one day at a time my friend,., one day at a time.

Im happy to hear you are going to see a counselor! They can help you understand the grief process and the more you understand the easier it will be to be nice to yourself! *smiles

Hello, i had lost my father almost 4 hears ago at the age of 18 and after reading several of your stories have the same feelings as many of you. My father came home work and had a conversation with me before going upstairs to take a nap. He told me that he had fealt as if he was dying and the if he did I would miss him. I must addmit that I brushed it off and made a small remark that I would. That was the last time I had talked to him. I feel really bad for what I had done. So, I went to check on him 30 minutes later and he was dead I tried CPR until the first responders got there. I heard someone in the backround say he was dead. I can not stop hearing those words.... I tried to move on but find myself in a no win area. I'm not sure what to do anymore and find all other areas of my life falling apart and I just need people to talk to. I'm sorry if this is not the place to go but wasn't sure where to turn to.

Yes definatly this is the right place. We all need to talk about the pain so we can move on to some extent. My father passed away a long time ago from his battle with cancer. I just got back from serving in Vietnam. My father worked hard all his life and it seamed he never had time for us. When I was a lot younger I took the money I made from my paper route and bought a fishing rod set thinking that this would make him find time where we could spend together. That event never did happen. When I came home from overseas my dad was in bed and I could tell he ws very sick and I did not have much time left. I went into the room and on the bed was that fishing pole still in the original wrapper. Holding it he then told me that he always loved me and was sorry that we could not spend more time together. My dad passed away the next morning. Two things I learned that day. First and most important is that people may not always show how they feel. second I got closure knowing that he did love me. I know that is true in your case as well. I think sometimes when people pass on they actually know it. Please replace those words that echo with the words of your loving father. There is no doubt in my mind that he did love you with all his heart and he would want you to remember the great times you all had together. I know how hard it is to do however I am here with many other people who have shared the horrific event of loosing someone dear to them

Dear K, My Husband passed on Jan 8th. My world turned inside out in one moment. I got up that morning to surprise him with breakfast in bed ( he got me coffee every day since we got married) , He wassnoring away and seemed fine. When I came back about 20 mins later he was already gone. The room was so quiet and before I even looked for a pulse I knew it was too late. I know what you are going through it is so hard to know how to get those visions out of your hhead. I didn't kisss him goodnight the night before because he fell asleep early and I didnt want to wake him since he had not been sleeeping well for awhile. That's my vision I should have just leaned over and kissed him on the head gently but I didnt. I thought i'll give him his kiss in the morning and we'll have a nice breakfast togethr. It's made me realize that we should never put anything off . I've been reading alot of things on grief and bereavement. Right now almost 2 months later all I can say is it hurts. I don't know where to turn or what to do. As you said you are an individual and all the "grief is a process" stuff doesn't make it hurt any less. My husband was in alot of pain for a very long time and was so strong and brave he was able to cover it up and even stilll make me laugh. The only thing I can even think right now is that he is not hurting anymore. I traded his physical pain for my emotional pain and even though I hurt like h**l It helps me somewhat to know that his pain is over and he doesnt have to deal with physical limits anymore.
I can't even imagine 5 months without him i think you should be very proud of yourself for going on like you are. There is no win in going back to meth. You know she would not like that and you need to carry on her memory so others that didnt even know her will know what a wonderful woman she was. None of it is fair or easy. We all do cope in our own way and its hard to find that way but it comes to us from the heart and from thaeir memory. I know my husband would have stood on his head and juggled mokeys with his feet if he thought it would make me laugh right now. He was my joy and my life. I still cry everyday and can't even talk on the phone when people call to see how I am. I feel like saying "sh***y thats how i am. " But I find myself trying to be polite and say thank you for caring all the while in my heart i think they have no clue .
I do believe that he IS watching over me. I've seen little things that may have been coicidences but id rather believe it was him telling me something he used to tell me all the time. I read somewhere that the price of grief is becoming a clown, you paste a smile on your face and go on doing all the stupid stuff that has to be done even if you could care less whether the bills get paid or anything like that.
I hope you find the strength from deep inside somewhere to go on in her memory and always feel her with you even if its just a good memory that you can have every now and then . She will make you smile
I find i am remembering all the bad things about that day too. (Well there was nothing good about that day but you know what i mean) If i try really hard i can remember the good times we had and i still cry because we will never get to do those things again but its nicer to see his smile.I like this poem, read it every night and it helps me a little.:

If I should be the first to go

And you remain awhile

Before you, too must walk alone

Down life’s last lonely mile,

I would not have you weep nor grieve

For happiness that’s flown

Lest tears bedim that misty vale

Down which my feet have gone.

If I should be the first to go

Beyond life’s mystic pale,

Just think of me as one who goes

To blaze a brighter trail

Across that unknown wilderness

That on some future day

Your feet may find a smoother path

Along that self-same way.

If I should be the first to go,

I shall walk slowly, dear,

For someday you will follow me

Across death’s dark frontier,

I’ll mark each turn along the road

That you may walk the same;

I’l often pause to hear your voice

If you should call my name

If I should be the first to go

Beyond all earthly care,

I’;; try to linger near the gate

Untiil you enter there.

Then, hand in hand, with all of life’s

Hard battles fought and won

Together we shall fid what lies

Beyond the setting sun.

Wishing you strength
L

Hello LindaE. What a beautiful poem, it made me cry. Thankyou so much for sharing that and yes I am going to read that every day. Your experiance is so much like mine and when I read your post I can actually feel the shock and horror you felt. I can see the vision you saw. So hard for us to constantly relive that tragidy. You seam to be a very strong woman and I commend you for your courage. People always see me smiling and when asked "how are you doing?" My reply is normally "wonderful or Awesome" I don't want people to feel sorry for me in any way and I do always look forward. All my life I did belive that our spirit can remain and that when anyone passes they are still with us in some way. Actually I have lost that and the dark finality has taken it's place. OMG the pain comes in waves and I find myself hiding somewhere so no one can see me. My job has me on assignment in another location so I am not near friends or family. (Close friends that is) I continue to put on that facad so what people actually se is a person who has his stuff together but inside I am falling apart. I have seen many people pass incuding my parents and I was able to come to terms quickly. With the wife now gone I found the intensity of the hurt has not yet subsided. I wish I had someone who I could hug and cry so I could move on somewhat. I feel as if I need to get it out of my system but will it ever?

Thank you again for your kind words. You have lifted my spirit I enjoy our conversations

K, Thank you so much for saying how it comes on you in "waves" I didnt think anyone else understood that. I also have lost my Father, he was ill for a long time and as I think about it now I think I grieved and mourned while he was sick. To watch my Dad the big strong guy who always protected me have tubes in him and not be able to eat (which was his favorite pastime) go through dialysis 3 times a week , whic was like his own personal h*ll because he would go one day feel awful ,feel better the next day and then have to go again the day after. It ripped my heart out even though I had to act happy around him to keep his spirits up as much as possible. I digress but ny point is that I think that's why I got through it easier because I was grieving for 4 yrs to watch this happen. With my husband he was so strong he covered his pain and pushed himself to keep on going even though I knew it was there i think i was in denial because i couldnt even imagine living without him . i think we both knew it was coming but didnt want to upset each other by talking about it. I dont know if that would have even helped anyway. There is no way to prepare for this. It's like getting broadsided it's a sudden impact either way and nothing you do or think or try is going to make the shock any less.
I also tihnk with a spouse the whole tihng just goes totally ballistic, I mean this is the person you come home to the one you sleep with the one who listens and tells you everythings going ot be ok as long as we have each other. Everytime he held me i knew that was true. I didnt care what was going on in our lives it was ok if we were together.
I also wish i could just cry with someone but the hugs just wouldnt work unless they are his hugs.Reality is setting in for me too. Everyone keeps telling me it gets "softer" with time but i still cant see past the pain right now. The only thing i can see is to do something in his name that may make a difference. He loved animals maybe i can sponsor a shelter animal or something. I dont even know if it would make me feel better but it is a good and positive thing so maybe
Thank you for listening it does help that someone else understands and can
This is the poem i put on a card with his picture :

When I must leave you for a little while
Please do not grieve or shed wild tears
Or hug your sorrow through the years
Start out bravely,with a gallant smile
And for my sake and in my name
Live on and do all things the same
Reach out a hand in comfort and cheer
And I will comfort you and hold you near
And never,never be afraid to die
For I am waiting for you in the sky !

I know its all just words but i try to think it's what he would say to me.

Take care and be strong
L